Minus 50 Rows.

Mark another big item on my "must do before I die" list.

While it may not seem like a big deal to you, I've always wanted to see Pearl Jam perform in Seattle.

In 1992, I saw Pearl Jam play for the first time at St Andrews Hall in Detroit. I didn't know PJ very well when I got the tickets, but that changed quickly.

I remember it being a very, very cold Detroit night and I wore a heavy jacket into the Hall. I kept the jacket tied around my waist the entire time and when the concert was over, not only was I soaked from sweat, but the jacket was too.

When the concert started, I was in the back of the Hall, but after about three songs, the energy of Eddie Vedders voice took over me and I was front row for the rest of the show. Despite me being skinnier and smaller than most people (at that time), I managed my own up front.

I remember Eddie's lyrics power-driving into my ears. His voice was like nothing I've ever heard before. His stare was haunting. I remember thinking that this guy wants to kill me as he song "Ten" songs right at me. But I couldn't move. He had me at "Once". Later, he dove from the balcony to the waiting arms of the crowd-- something he doesn't do or hasn't done for a while now.

Later, I caught Jeff Ament when he stage dove.

It was one of the best moments of my life-- top 10 for sure. Something I will never forget and something that will never be repeated.

From that moment on, I wanted to be part of grunge. I wanted to wrap flannel around my waist, grow out my hair, and be anti-everything. I achieved the flannel. I had the hair. The anti-everything didn't stick but I found my way without the angst. It was also at that moment, I desperately wanted to see Pearl Jam in their hometown of Seattle. Little did I know on that chilly/exciting/scary/memorable Detroit night that one day I would live in their hometown.

This past Tuesday, I finally got to see PJ play in Seattle-- 17 years later. Wow-- I feel really old writing that sentence. Has it really been 17 years? It was also the 50th time they played in Seattle. How fitting.

Along the way, I've seen PJ play a few more times (five outside of the concert at the Hall) in various venues. But never in front of their hometown crowd.

Not only was this my first Seattle/PJ show, it was also the first time Kristen had ever seen PJ. To be honest with you, I wasn't sure how it was going to go over. Kristen has always kinda-liked PJ but was never a big fan. She likes to understand the lyrics coming out of a singers mouth and Eddie tends to mumble the words a lot. However when he came out with his "Into the Wild" soundtrack, that change. She started to really like him, and more importantly, PJ.

I was nervous though as she didn't know a lot of their material. What if she didn't like it? What if she wanted to go? Would I stay and take a taxi home? But two songs into it, she was bobbing around and told me, "Now this is a rock concert."

They sounded perfect. Just like they always did. And when Eddie and the boys played "No Way," my eyes filled with tears. Goose bumps started popping up on my arms. My heart broke into a million pieces as my eyes reached up to the heavens. You see this was the song that reminds me the most of the moment when I lost my mother.

I was on my way back to Central Michigan University from my internship at WNLS in 1998, when my pager went off. It was my parent's number with 9-1-1 after it. This wasn't good.

I pulled over at a gas station and pulled up to a pay phone. From my car, I dialed the number and my brother picked up. Sobbing. He told me there that my mother had died.

I'm really not sure what happened next but I do remember crying in my car, alone, for about 30 minutes. Uncontrollable tears. Full on gushing crying. I think I may have called someone at the Barn (what we called our house at CMU) and then needed to drive myself an hour back to my parents house, alone.

Somehow I managed to fight back the tears enough to actual be able to drive. One thing that helped me drive that day was Pearl Jam's Yield album. Without it, I might have not of made it home safely. It helped me steer. It helped me remember. It help me mourn.

The song that put me over the edge was "No Way."

Long story short: I tried to help my mom over the years fight her addiction to alcohol. I cared for her. I lied for her. I helped her. I yelled at her. I threatened her. I held her tight. I loved her as much as I could. From the youngest age, I always remember my mom having this problem to alcohol and as I grew, it just got worse. But I never, ever, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER gave up. And for me, the lyrics to this song symbolized my unwillingness to let alcoholism absorb my mom.

"'Cause I'll stop trying to make a difference
I'm not trying to make a difference
I'll stop trying to make a difference
No way"

There's also a line in there that says "Ooh, let's call in an angel."

To me, an angel was the only one that could help my mom.

I made it home that day thanks to Yield and to PJ. Since I first saw PJ 17 years ago, they've impacted my life in many ways. But this one is the most important and memorable. They will always be my favorite band in the world for what they've done for me.

By the way, the show was amazing, powerful, emotional, transforming and magical. Just like the first time I say them, minus about 50 rows.